Letter to Dr. Channing

Dear Dr. Channing, 

I realize that I'm the kind of person who will always need a therapist. 

Not that I'm "crazy" or anything, but just because it's such a relief to talk to someone who doesn't pre-judge me - someone who listens and supports me.

I've learned much over the years as your client ("patient"). I've learned that I don't have to be perfect and that it's okay if other's aren't perfect. THIS IS HUGE!

I recall our first session. I felt like Sybil (the girl with 25 personalities). But your patience and wisdom really helped me to see the truth. 

Maybe I'm "cured" but I would still like to see you anyway...I'm pretty sure there are some glitches in my psyche that will manifest themselves sooner or later.

Sincerely, 
Madison

Dr. Channing says I need to be more social so I participated in a Shakespeare reading group. I had read "Julius Caesar" and "Romeo and Juliet" in high school so the Bard is not a complete stranger.
The play was "The Comedy of Errors." I was expecting about 12 to 15 people. Alas, there were only six! Surprisingly, I was given one of the lead characters - Antipholus of Syracuse and his identical twin Antipholus of Ephesus.

It would have been intimidating if I were not already used to holding a book in my hands and reading the words out loud. I do this all the time at home. Not usually Shakespeare - more typically Lemony Snicket. However, the event was a success and I gave Dr. Channing a full report.

I do relate to Antipholus, as he thinks either he is mad or the world is mad.

 Am I in earth, in heaven, or in hell?
Sleeping or waking, mad or well-advised?
Known unto these, and to myself disguised?

Coffee Break

Following Dr. Channing's instructions to have a nice quiet afternoon out in PUBLIC, I went into a coffee shop today to read a magazine and drink a pumpkin spice latte. The magazine was about traveling to Britain. I imagined myself in red rain boots and holding an umbrella, walking the paths of Charles Dickens, Richard Burton and the Monte Python gang.

Next to me were a couple, a man and a woman. I couldn't help overhearing their conversation. They were having a serious, scientific discussion about alien abductions. The woman believed it was possible and that she may have, in fact, been abducted herself. The man didn't go that far, but was convinced that the moon landing was a hoax. He had a whole list of reasons to "prove it."

I wondered which one was right. Or if they were both wrong. Or both right. My mind flipped and I had to leave.

Doing the Splits

Watched All About Eve the other day. Jumping Johnny Cakes! I'm freaking out.

Is this what I have to look forward to? Split personality? I know I'm NOT crazy but this is too much for my psyche to take. I'm relating to Eve on a personal level. I totally get her. 

I don't think Dr. Channing would approve of me googling "dissociative disorder." (an involuntary escape from reality characterized by a disconnection between thoughts, identity, consciousness and memory).

Will not be sleeping tonight.

Madison

Driving Miss Crazy

I think I'm developing a phobia of driving on the Interstate. When I get on the entry ramp, I recall 7th grade health class and those horrifying films of car crashes. The purpose of the films was to show us how to do first aid at the scene of an accident. 

Why would a 12-year-old need to tie on a tourniquet?

Fortunately, I am not completely overcome by this new would-be phobia. I know how to handle mild anxiety, thanks to Dr. Channing and her cognitive therapy. 

I CAN DO THIS! 

The Opposite

I've decided that George Constanza got it right. If my every inclination is wrong and brings bad things to my life, then I should do the OPPOSITE. It is logical that if I do the opposite, then everything will turn out well. George did it and ended up working for the New York Yankees, (his dream job) and getting a beautiful girlfriend.

So I am going to follow George's advice and do the opposite.

Right now, I am craving mint chocolate chip ice cream. Yes, it's organic, but it's still ICE CREAM!

The opposite of ice cream is....a steak! So I will go now and prepare a steak.

So far so good.

I wonder what Dr. Channing will think of my new life style?

Slippery Slope

Trying to find my niche in life. Dr. Channing says I should make a list of things that I know I'm not supposed to be doing. Somehow it will give me perspective. Here goes:  

MADISON SHOULD NOT:
Have anything to do with advanced mathematics.
Play on any kind of sports team.
Write computer code.
Own a business.
Be a lawyer.
Work with children.
Drive fast cars.

This list is not complete, but looking at it now, I appear to be an anti-social child hater with a math phobia. YIKES!

Dr. Channing's Ankle Boots

I've discovered that taking a break from blogging is a good thing. Dr. Channing agrees, even though she was the one that suggested I start a blog in the first place.

Yes, I am still seeing Dr. Channing and she continues to be utterly amazing. She just bought a pair of dark brown leather ankle boots with a pewter buckle. During our session I was mesmerized as she crossed her legs and swung her foot back and forth. I don't think she noticed. At least I hope not.

I started this blog when I was 28 and am now 33. Tick tock, tick tock.

I am still single. I still have dinner with my mother on Thursdays. I still hang out with my best friend Rachel, even though she is now married with children. And I still ease my panic attacks with mint chocolate chip ice cream.

What has changed? I am no longer an administrative assistant at an art gallery. I am a graphic designer at an advertising firm. My doodling has paid off.

Dr. Channing continues to work her Freudian magic on my deranged psyche. Her job is not easy.

Madison

In My Right Mind

It's been a few years since I've posted here. I've been away. Locked in the nuthouse, so to speak. After my last post, I had a meltdown and the men in the white coats took me away.

I was at Starbucks and had a panic attack trying to figure out whether to get a hazelnut upside down soy macchiato or a creme de menthe skinny latte. I dropped to the floor and crawled to a corner, assuming the catatonic position. Someone called 911 and the next thing I knew I was lying in a hospital with an IV stuck in my arm.

I've been out for a few weeks now and am realizing that, perhaps I am crazy, as everyone says. Dr. Channing has not given up on me. She has the gift of perseverance. My therapy at this point consists in finding out why I am crazy. Dr Channing does not like that word. For her, crazy describes what happens on reality TV.

Dr. Channing says that writing down my thoughts will help. So here goes nothing.

Madison

Zit Attack

I'm 30 years old and I have a zit on my chin.

Was it the chocolate? The french fries? Or just fate?

I have to go to work tomorrow. Thank God for concealer.

Phone Phobia

I haven't been talking to Dr. Channing about Todd. I'm afraid if I talk about him, it will jinx our relationship. (My relationship with Todd, not with Dr. Channing.)

But today I'm taking a leap of faith and sharing my feelings about Todd.

Todd is my friend. I guess you could say he's my boyfriend. (gee, that sounds weird!) We are taking it slow. And that's okay. We both have issues and we are learning to deal with them. Together.

I freak out every time the phone rings because I think it's Todd and he's either dead or going to break up with me. I'm not sure which would be worse. I'm trying to control this irrational fear.

Flying Over the Cuckoo's Nest

I should not be watching TV.

I was channel surfing when I just happened to stop at "One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest." I knew right away I should keep going, but something compelled me to watch. It was the scene where Mac is trying to get everyone to vote to watch the baseball game.

Oh, that was so sad. After that scene I shut off the TV and cried. I couldn't stop. I know I'm going crazy after all. I don't want to end up in a mental hospital with Nurse Ratched! Why is she so mean? Why can't she let Mac watch the stupid baseball game?

Dr. Channing would say I'm over-reacting. She would be right.

Going Mad

I just found out Mad Men is NOT about crazy people. I also realized that the first syllable of my name is "Mad"...oh, brother.

Texting Dr. Channing...this is too weird...

I am NOT crazy!

Showtime

My friend Tiffany is in a play this weekend. I'm still sick but I really want to see her performance. She is in a community theatre production of  "Annie" and she is playing Miss Hannagin, the evil woman who runs the orphanage.

I met Tiff in the office building where I meet with Dr. Channing. She was there for massage therapy. Tiff, not Dr. Channing.

I wish I had the courage to do theatre. I'm a Phil Collins song -- "I can't dance and I can't sing..."

Home Sick

No, not home sick meaning I miss my family. Home sick meaning I'm home sick from work. Runny nose, headache, fever. Settling down on the couch with tissues, hot tea and a bottle of cough syrup.

If I wasn't so miserable I'd watch TV, but all I can do is sit and stare. Must call Dr. Channing to reschedule my appointment.

Oh, no! The Jehovah's Witnesses are knocking at the door. The pounding...pounding...pounding...

Random Day

I didn't sleep last night. Insomnia again. Dr. Channing doesn't prescribe sleeping pills. I waited for daylight, grabbed my sketch book and drove to the park, stopping off at Starbucks for a hazelnut latte. I'm sketching the Canada geese that like to putter around the shore of the lake.

Their long necks captivate me. I imagine what it would be like to have a long neck like a goose. I think a goose would look fabulous in a turtleneck sweater.

Personality Quiz: Ice Cream

Because of my constant penchant for self-analysis, online personality quizzes have become an compulsive pass time for me.

Today I took the Ice Cream test which determines my personality based on my favorite flavor of ice cream. Sweet!

I chose "strawberry" from the list and here are the "official" results:

You are shy, yet emotionally robust, skeptical, detail-oriented, opinionated, introverted and self-critical. Easily made to feel guilty; cranky, pessimistic, low self-esteem.

WOW! No wonder I need therapy!

NOTE TO SELF: Ask Dr. Channing which flavor of ice cream she prefers, but don't be too obvious. She's a smart cookie.

Going Temporarily Bananas

At my therapy session the other day, Dr. Channing said that I was doing so well that she wondered if therapy was still necessary. I immediately FREAKED OUT!

First of all, I absolutely NEED therapy. Not because I'm crazy, but because I want to understand myself so that I can make it in this upside down world.

Second of all, It's taken me years to find the perfect therapist. None of the others measured up to the wonderful greatness of Dr. Channing. I realize she is not Super Woman. But she is kind, smart, witty, understanding and brutally honest -- qualities I admire in people, and especially in therapists.

Needless to say, my irrational response to her suggestion caused her to realize that, yes, I definitely do need to continue therapy.

Whew!

Cello Babe

I've signed up for cello lessons! I saw Yo-Yo Ma on PBS the other day and there he, was playing a Bach suite on a NYC street corner. A big fat smile on his face and not a care in the world. All I could say was "WOW"!

Back in jr. high and high school I was first chair cello. Played in college, too, and even thought about being a music major. But "life" happened and my darling cello, Isabel, took a back seat. I did play for a while last year but it didn't last long. Dr. Channing says I need to finish what I start. She is very supportive and likes that I'm pursuing other interests besides Project Runway and Ben & Jerry's.

My Date With Todd - Part 2

First of all, I am aware that my last post was AGES ago. Suffice it to say (yikes, cliche alert!) that the last couple of weeks have been INSANE!

However, I would still like to complete my post about my FIRST DATE WITH TODD.

So after coffee, we went to dinner at Pelican Wing, a quaint bistro that specializes in seafood. They also have the best desserts in town.

Over a plate of basil pesto penne pasta with a chocolate ice cream brownie chaser, I was a bit nervous. Unlike other dates I'd been on, Todd was actually interested in what I was saying. He asked about my job (I love it!), about my family (totally crazy), my hobbies (uh. . . watching TV?)

But then he asked me a question that no one but Dr. Channing has ever asked me.

TODD: So, Madison. What are your hopes and dreams?

ME: Hopes and dreams?

TODD: Yeah, what do you want to accomplish in your life? What do you see in your future?

ME: Is this a trick question?

(What are my hopes and dreams? I could see that he was sincere and wanted to know about me. Luckily I resisted the temptation to crack a joke. He sensed my anxiety, so to get me off the hook he answered the question for himself.)

TODD: My dream is to make movies. I'm going to film school at night, but my day job keeps me pretty busy. I'm 31 and I've been doing the same job since I graduated from college. I've decided life is too short.

ME: Wow!

Fast forward: After dinner we walked in the park and talked some more. Todd likes to talk, but he also listens. I'm so NOT used to that in a guy. The big question: Did he kiss me? Yes. 

The good news is he called back the next day and we went on another date. Then another. Then another.

I told Dr. Channing about Todd and she approves. My mission now is to figure out the answer to his question.