Sunday, April 22, 2012
Saturday, April 21, 2012
I haven't been talking to Dr. Channing about Todd. I'm afraid if I talk about him, it will jinx our relationship. (My relationship with Todd, not with Dr. Channing.)
But today I'm taking a leap of faith and sharing my feelings about Todd.
Todd is my friend. I guess you could say he's my boyfriend. (gee, that sounds weird!) We are taking it slow. And that's okay. We both have issues and we are learning to deal with them. Together.
I freak out every time the phone rings because I think it's Todd and he's either dead or going to break up with me. I'm not sure which would be worse. I'm trying to control this irrational fear.
Wednesday, April 18, 2012
I was channel surfing when I just happened to stop at "One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest." I knew right away I should keep going, but something compelled me to watch. It was the scene where Mac is trying to get everyone to vote to watch the baseball game.
Oh, that was so sad. After that scene I shut off the TV and cried. I couldn't stop. I know I'm going crazy after all. I don't want to end up in a mental hospital with Nurse Ratched! Why is she so mean? Why can't she let Mac watch the stupid baseball game?
Dr. Channing would say I'm over-reacting. She would be right.
Sunday, April 15, 2012
Wednesday, April 11, 2012
My friend Tiffany is in a play this weekend. I'm still sick but I really want to see her performance. She is in a community theatre production of "Annie" and she is playing Miss Hannagin, the evil woman who runs the orphanage.
I met Tiff in the office building where I meet with Dr. Channing. She was there for massage therapy. Tiff, not Dr. Channing.
I wish I had the courage to do theatre. I'm a Phil Collins song -- "I can't dance and I can't sing..."
Tuesday, April 10, 2012
No, not home sick meaning I miss my family. Home sick meaning I'm home sick from work. Runny nose, headache, fever. Settling down on the couch with tissues, hot tea and a bottle of cough syrup.
If I wasn't so miserable I'd watch TV, but all I can do is sit and stare. Must call Dr. Channing to reschedule my appointment.
Oh, no! The Jehovah's Witnesses are knocking at the door. The pounding...pounding...pounding...
Monday, April 9, 2012
I didn't sleep last night. Insomnia again. Dr. Channing doesn't prescribe sleeping pills. I waited for daylight, grabbed my sketch book and drove to the park, stopping off at Starbucks for a hazelnut latte. I'm sketching the Canada geese that like to putter around the shore of the lake.
Their long necks captivate me. I imagine what it would be like to have a long neck like a goose. I think a goose would look fabulous in a turtleneck sweater.
Monday, January 30, 2012
Because of my constant penchant for self-analysis, online personality quizzes have become an compulsive pass time for me.
Today I took the Ice Cream test which determines my personality based on my favorite flavor of ice cream. Sweet!
I chose "strawberry" from the list and here are the "official" results:
You are shy, yet emotionally robust, skeptical, detail-oriented, opinionated, introverted and self-critical. Easily made to feel guilty; cranky, pessimistic, low self-esteem.
WOW! No wonder I need therapy!
NOTE TO SELF: Ask Dr. Channing which flavor of ice cream she prefers, but don't be too obvious. She's a smart cookie.
Saturday, January 28, 2012
First of all, I absolutely NEED therapy. Not because I'm crazy, but because I want to understand myself so that I can make it in this upside down world.
Second of all, It's taken me years to find the perfect therapist. None of the others measured up to the wonderful greatness of Dr. Channing. I realize she is not Super Woman. But she is kind, smart, witty, understanding and brutally honest -- qualities I admire in people, and especially in therapists.
Needless to say, my irrational response to her suggestion caused her to realize that, yes, I definitely do need to continue therapy.
Tuesday, January 24, 2012
Back in jr. high and high school I was first chair cello. Played in college, too, and even thought about being a music major. But "life" happened and my darling cello, Isabel, took a back seat. I did play for a while last year but it didn't last long. Dr. Channing says I need to finish what I start. She is very supportive and likes that I'm pursuing other interests besides Project Runway and Ben & Jerry's.
Friday, January 20, 2012
First of all, I am aware that my last post was AGES ago. Suffice it to say (yikes, cliche alert!) that the last couple of weeks have been INSANE!
However, I would still like to complete my post about my FIRST DATE WITH TODD.
So after coffee, we went to dinner at Pelican Wing, a quaint bistro that specializes in seafood. They also have the best desserts in town.
Over a plate of basil pesto penne pasta with a chocolate ice cream brownie chaser, I was a bit nervous. Unlike other dates I'd been on, Todd was actually interested in what I was saying. He asked about my job (I love it!), about my family (totally crazy), my hobbies (uh. . . watching TV?)
But then he asked me a question that no one but Dr. Channing has ever asked me.
TODD: So, Madison. What are your hopes and dreams?
ME: Hopes and dreams?
TODD: Yeah, what do you want to accomplish in your life? What do you see in your future?
ME: Is this a trick question?
(What are my hopes and dreams? I could see that he was sincere and wanted to know about me. Luckily I resisted the temptation to crack a joke. He sensed my anxiety, so to get me off the hook he answered the question for himself.)
TODD: My dream is to make movies. I'm going to film school at night, but my day job keeps me pretty busy. I'm 31 and I've been doing the same job since I graduated from college. I've decided life is too short.
Fast forward: After dinner we walked in the park and talked some more. Todd likes to talk, but he also listens. I'm so NOT used to that in a guy. The big question: Did he kiss me? Yes.
The good news is he called back the next day and we went on another date. Then another. Then another.
I told Dr. Channing about Todd and she approves. My mission now is to figure out the answer to his question.
Saturday, January 7, 2012
From his photo I had judged him to be a seven, but now that I saw him in person, he was more like an eight or nine. Brown eyes, dark hair, kinda like Colin Farrell. Yikes! What am I doing on a date with Colin Farrell!
Todd is a nice and interesting person. He works as a web designer for a start-up company. Yep, he's a geek (that's a good thing). He plays the piano (very cool). He's knows about art (my passion). He plays video games (he mentioned a few but I am not a gamer so I had no idea what he was talking about).
I was happy to learn that he likes movies, and not just the typical guy movies with car chases, bimbos and martial arts.
Best of all, he didn't run screaming out the door when he heard that I see a therapist. It was a test. Maybe it was too much information on the first date, but I figured if that scared him off, then he's not the guy for me.
I was relieved that I didn't speak in cliches the entire evening. Whew! Dr. Channing would be proud.
Thursday, January 5, 2012
After my session with Dr. Channing today, I am less anxious about my blind date. I've decided to just be myself and let the chips fall where they may...(Oh, no! I hope I don't start speaking in cliches with Todd! That's what happens when I get nervous...I will be calm...I will be calm...I will be calm...)
Fortunately, Chondra showed me picture of Todd so I already know going into this that he is a seven. I can handle a seven. In fact, I prefer a seven because I think that's what I am. (See, Dr. Channing! My self-esteem is improving!)
Todd wears Buddy Holly glasses and has a gap between his front teeth. Wondering if he is geek. I like geeks. Hoping he's not a deer hunter.
Monday, January 2, 2012
It all started when I ran into a Chondra at the coffee shop yesterday. I was sitting there reading "The Litigators: on my Kindle, minding my own business . . .
CHONDRA: Madison! It's great to see you!
ME: Chondra! What are you doing here? (I always say that to people I run into. It's stupid but I can't help it.)
CHONDRA: I"ve been meaning to call you. There's a guy that I'd like to introduce you to. You're still single, right?
ME: Not interested.
CHONDRA: He's really sweet. He's a friend of Jeremiah's and he's just moved into town. His name's Todd.
ME: Todd? As in the "Saturday Night Live" sketch with Bill Murray and Gilda Radner?
CHONDRA: Well, I thought you two might hit it off. You have a lot in common. You work in an art gallery and Todd . . . well . . .he likes art!
I give Chondra the evil eye. She's been trying to match me up with somebody for three years, ever since she and Jeremiah have been together. Why do people in relationships want everyone else to be in a relationship? I'm already in a relationship! With my THERAPIST! And my brother's DOG! Not to mention BEN & JERRY!
Of course I didn't say any of this to Chondra. I didn't want to hurt her feelings so I agreed to go out with Todd. I just didn't have the heart to disappoint her.
Thank God I'm seeing Dr. Channing on Thursday before the date. I have a feeling of impending doom.
Sunday, January 1, 2012
After several months in therapy I think I'm sane enough to continue this blog. At least that's what Dr. Channing says. The jury is out.
I don't want to bore you with all the details of my time away, but suffice it to say that I have learned a lot about myself. And the one thing that I have come away with is that LIFE IS NOT ABOUT ME!
I think my life was so "me" oriented that I was suffocating myself. I couldn't breathe. My absorption in myself was overwhelming. The irony of this blog is that's it's about "me", but when I think and write about "me" I become more dysfunctional.
Word for the year? Paradox.